Nothing Else

For long, I found it hard to worship God because of the overwhelming thought that He owed me something. An explanation was all I needed, a meaning for everything; for everything to make perfect sense; nothing more, nothing less. Everything about Him disturbed my logical sequence; His existence seemed too abstract. And even if He did exist, He seemed too tyrannical to listen to me, and so I barely bothered talking to Him. Yet every day that passed without answers led me closer and closer to an eventual feeling of despair. And because my concerns were of significantly less concern to others, I learned to live with my concerns in the background. But night after night, they came haunting again. Of all the feelings I felt, nothing was near as draining their lack thereof, the feeling of nothingness about everything. Pain was undoubtedly more beautiful. But with time, I became immune to pain. At that point, I would have easily traded my life for nonexistence.

Psychologists call this existential depression, the depression for the gifted and I now understand why. A mind that yearns to know everything about everything is surely a gift. But when the tables turn and your mind starts asking unanswerable questions, an existential crisis ensues. Because of all the inconsistencies, I withheld my true worship from God. To my mind, it was completely irrational for God to require everything from me after giving me nothing. I could not wrap my head around the fact that a God who had chosen to be distant from me would condemn me for not giving Him my all. For a God who calls Himself just, He seemed to have little justice.

One emotion that I was yet to truly experience at that point, fear, was what completely changed my perception about God in a rather unexpected way. While most believers were convicted by the love of God to give their lives to Him, the Lord had to make the reality of hell vivid to me to soften my heart. Had there been any other path away from hell aside from Him, I would have probably followed it. At the time, hell seemed like a trap meant to force me to Him, a trap which was way too tormenting to fall into. And because I had nowhere else to run to, I ran to Him. Nevertheless, it was until I perceived the fear of God that I began holding Him in reverence. And with that reverence, came everything. My mind gradually started to perceive the reality of who God truly was and in the process, my heart became light, and my soul felt flooded with overwhelming joy. For a place that initially felt like a trap, I had never felt freer. At this moment, I still didn’t understand the purpose of life. I still didn’t understand why God allowed the devil to exist; nor why people had to be thrown in hell. But one thing I perceived was the nature of God, and with that, I worshipped in truth and spirit, not because of what God had done to me or showed me, but because He was God.

Evidently, the Lord was touched by humility on that day. While my heart was completely soaked in Kim Walker Smith’s Still Believe, the Lord’s presence clouded the room and greatly overwhelmed me. This was the feeling I never knew I needed. I was right in the middle of the Holy of Holies and it was unexplainably beautiful. And in the beauty of that moment, I no longer wanted to know the meaning of life; I felt it with all my being. The love of God was so tangible that it no longer felt like an emotion, it was an element, it was matter. It dawned on me that this God had, on the contrary, given everything for me to feel the beauty of this moment, to taste true spiritual freedom found in His love. God owed me nothing; he had, in fact, given me everything. And so even if I were to receive nothing else from Him thereafter, I would still worship Him forever because the cross was everything. I wanted nothing else but the beauty of that moment. Nothing in the world made sense but the love of Jesus. I had no fear, but I trembled at the thought of being separated from that love. Indeed, although I did not perceive it at the time, I had received a true heart of worship.

Worship is the path to continual intimacy with God; it is a lifestyle for all who hold Him to reverence. The fear of the Lord opens our hearts to His nature and with the revelation of the unchanging nature of God; we understand that every complaint we have against God calls for a correction from us and not Him. The Fear of the Lord knows no fear but instead makes us shudder at the aspect of being away from Him because His love is irreplaceable and the eventuality of everything outside Him is hellfire. The fear of the Lord is the mark of true worship. While everyone finds it easy to praise God after they are blessed, true worshippers pour their heart to God when they have nothing but the reality of the redemptive power of the cross.

“Jesus, more than anything you can give, I just want you.”